I had it wrong for so long in my head
I was walking around like I was dead
All the time my mind was stuck on you

I crawled while you stalled
I was a fool to think we were involved
I guess I needed to believe it so bad

Now I'm alone and I'm burning
I'm hurting like hell but I'm learning
The scars will take me far like they always do

Somehow I'm alright I do believe that I'm alright...

- "Rejection" (Henry Rollins)

You know, after what I've experienced over this break, I should be happy. These feelings that have been haunting me for almost three years are now lifted. There is some kind of closure here, and I guess that was what I was looking for this whole time. I can finally move on with my life and find something else. Isn't that what I always wanted? Whether it ended happily or miserably, I wanted some sense of closure, right?

...Maybe that was what I thought I wanted.

Now I'm left wondering what exactly your oppinion of me is. Why did you do what you did? Did you take what I said in the wrong way? Did you think I meant something more than I really did? I need to know, I need to get some sense of what you think of me, it's always going to eat at me untill I hear it from you.

I'm not going to give your name here, that's not how I do things. I just hope that you read this (and I know you have before) sometime and get in touch with me. You'll know who I'm talking about when you read this, trust me...

Espero oír de usted,
Colin

It's Christmas time in Hollis Queens
Mom's cooking chicken and collard greens
Rice and stuffing, macaroni and cheese
And Santa put gifts under Christmas trees
Decorate the house with lights at night
Snow's on the ground, snow white so bright
In the fireplace is the yule log
Beneath the mistle toe as we drink egg nog
The rhymes you hear are the rhymes of Darryl's
But each and every year we bust Chrsitmas carrols
(Christmas melodies)

- "Christmas in Hollis" (Run D.M.C.)

There has been alot of things going wrong in my life as of late, but that will be up for discussion at a later time. Today is December 25th, and it's time that all people of all races and religions join hands to celebrate the birth of a very special man...

...Santa Claus.




So from R. Kelly and Me...We wish you a Merry Christmas...or Kwanza...Or Voodoo Day...or Boxing Day...or Chanukkah...Or Thursday if you're a Pagan!

I've got her in my head
at night when I go to bed
and I know it sounds lame, but
she's the girl of my dreams

And of course I'd do anything for her
I'd search the moons of Endor
I'd even walk naked through
the deserts of Tatooine

Princess Leia, where are you tonight?
and who's laying there by your side?
every night I fall asleep with you
and I wake up alone...

- "A New Hope" (Blink 182)

I should probably start out by correcting something I said two posts ago. I didn't flunk any of my finals, I finished with a solid 3.0 GPA for the semester. That's the last time I give the link to my Blog to a certain nosey relative...

Anyway, I did absolutley nothing today. Nothing, not a single darn thing...Besides waking up, taking a shower, eating, running, watching TV, playing my PS2, driving to Wendey's, eating again, watching more TV, getting extremely angry about something I don't have the bandwidth to talk about here, and then writing this entry to my Blog. Other than the aforementioned things, I did NOTHING.

My buddy Matt did however turn me in the direction of a cool band. They're called "Brand New" and they put out some good stuff. Check out "The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot" and "The Quiet Things No One Ever Knows" for good examples of their stuff. You'll like it...Trust me...Or don't trust me...See if I care...*Hopes they listen to the songs because if they don't, he'll cry*.

Darn, I know I had another random thought here. What was it...What was it...Oh yeah, check out Mitch Hedberg's stand up special on Comedy Central. It's replayed every so often, so look out for it...I think he actually has just come out with a new CD and DVD combo, so ask for that for Christmas. You'll thank me...He's one funny dude...

Satisfaremos Otra vez,
Colin

I swear that I can go on forever again
please let me know that my one bad day will end
I will go down as your lover, your friend
give me your lips and with one kiss we begin

Are you afraid of being alone
cause I am, I'm lost without you
are you afraid of leaving tonight
cause I am, I'm lost without you

- "I'm Lost Without You" by Blink 182

First off, get "Blink 182" by Blink 182. It's one of my favorite CDs of all time and by far, their best CD ever. The immature punks from SoCal have finally grown up...

So...What have I been doing recently that can warrent updating my silly little blog, you may ask? Well, I watched over the carpenters as they put in our new Kitchen Floor. Yeah, you're right. That's not much to speak of...

..Well, I also went to Family Video three seperate times yesterday. Not the close one, either. No, I had to go to the one that's 20 minutes away because I'm a silly, silly, boy. The DVD I rented failed on me three seperate times so I kept having to return it. Wasn't even a good movie, either...It pains me to say this considering how much I loved the original, but Dumb and Dumberer is truely one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my life (and this is coming from the guy who worships Paulie Shore and his catalog of films...)

See? College Life is overrated...Who needs that lifestyle when you can put in new floors and watch terrible movies at home?

Hablaré con usted otra vez,
Colin

I went down to the beach and saw Kiki
She was, like, all "ehhhh"
And I was, like, "whatever!"

Cuz this is my
United States of Whatever!
And this is my
United States of Whatever!
And this is my
United States of Whatever!

- "My United States of Whatever" by Liam Lynch

Again, sorry to all...none of you...for not updating the blog in a long time. I was a bit pre-occupied with flunking all of my finals. You know how those things go...

Well, now they are finished, the hell is over, and I'm home. I SHOULD probably be happy because of that, but I'm not. You know, it's interesting. Four months ago, I was calling home about two times a day because I hated being at Kent, and now I really didn't want to leave. For good or bad, that place has kind of become my home. I have my life up there, I have my work up there, I have friends up there, I have a whole different world up there and I like it. I love my folks with all my heart, but I think I have now taken the first major step towards my independance. My family's house doesn't feel like my "home" anymore, is that unusual?

I guess it all goes back to the fact that I really have no reason, other than my family, to be here. No friends, no relationships, no job, no sports, nothing. I really don't have a whole lot tethering me to Youngstown, Ohio anymore now that I finished my local schooling.

...It's all good, though. I'll probably just slip into a coma for the next month and before I know it, I'll be back at Kent, bitching about how much I hate life there...lol.

Li vedrò più successivamente,
Colin

Something unusual, something strange
Comes from nothing at all
But I'm not a miracle
And you're not a saint
Just another soldier
On the road to nowhere

- "Amie" by Damien Rice

It's getting to crunch time here at Kent and I'm starting to crack. If you've been to College, you can relate. Finals arrive and NOTHING in your life goes right. Everything you do sucks, everything you wear sucks, everything you write sucks, everything you eat sucks, life just pretty much sucks. Here's to hoping that feeling will pass in time...

On the bright side, I discovered something truly amazing. A good friend of mine turned me on to "O" by Damien Rice. Damien Rice is an Irish singer/songwriter who has brought out an amazing debut CD earlier this year. The New York Times has even gone so far as to name it one of the "Best CDs of 2003".

Do yourself a favor and discover this CD for yourself. It's left me speechless for the first time in quite awhile...

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.

- Gilda Radner

Gilda Radner was the single best women to ever step foot on an Saturday Night Live set and also a pretty smart lady. Shame she died so young...

...Anyway, I apologize to you one of you (by "one of you", I mean me) who reads this stupid thing for not updating in awhile. I've been kind of busy latley and the state of confusion I'm in right now doesn't help matters much.

Have you ever taken a step forward towards something you've wanted for a long time only to end up confused? The awkward silence, it's the worst part about making your feelings public, I've found. Why is it that you push yourself to get your feelings out there, only to be left more confused after you finally do? Shouldn't things flow like water from there? Shouldn't there be a happy ending?

...See? Unlike last time, I had a reason for using the quote I did.

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President

That quote? It has nothing to do with what happened to me today. I just like making fun of Dan Quayle at any available oppertunity...

Today, I learned why I hate the city of Kent, Ohio. It's never JUST cold or wet here, no...That would be too easy. Instead, we get the aforementioned "gifts" from god, but with a healthy dose of wind thrown on for color.

On the bright side, however, after a nasty two day stretch (quick count: three tests, two papers, one 5 page formal outline), I was able to relax. Rather than do the usual college student thing and find the nearest steel keg, I hopped in my beautfiul 1997 Saturn SL1 (it may not seem like it, but trust me, it's an improvement over my last POS) and headed to visit my sister and her husband in Akron.

My sister and I have always had a close relationship. She's a solid 8 years older than me, but we are pretty much the exact same person. Same hair, same complexion, same small smattering of freckles, same slightly-insane love of Notre Dame Football, etc. That's the one thing I like about going to Kent, it's only a 20 minute drive from my big sis, so I have someone I can talk to that's not too far away.

Anyways, the three of us hit up the local Best Buy in search of my latest musical fascination, Blessid Union of Souls. I know you're (again, by "you", I mean me. I'm probably the only one reading this) thinking "Blessid Union of Souls? Dude, 1996 called...They want their music back." Well I say bollocks to that. Listen to "That's the Girl I've Been Telling You About" and "I Wanna Be There" and I think you'll feel some BUoS love as well...

"I do have a test today, that wasn't bullsh**. It's on European Socialism. I mean, really, what's the point? I'm not European. I don't plan on being European. So, who gives a crap if they're Socialists? They could be fascist anarchists, it still wouldn't change the fact that I don't own a car."

- Ferris Bueller

I just got back from taking a test in my World Music class. The test? African Tribal Music...

Now you're (by "you" I mean me because I'm probably the only one reading this) probably wondering WHY I am taking a World Music class. The answer? BECAUSE KENT STATE UNIVERSITY IS INSANE!

That's the only possible reason as to why I was forced to take a class on the history of world music when I'm a Journalism Major.

In other news, I'm still a gutless coward afraid to take the next step I've been trying to take since my Junior year in High School. Eventually my admittedly small chance to achieve what I consider to be happiness will be gone and I'll be left a pathetic shell of a man (which I suppose isn't too bad considering all that would do is make me a fully fleged guy.)

Well, at least I know that and as they say; "Knowing is half the battle..."

So this is a blog, eh? I've heard many things about them (some good, some bad), but I've always tended to steer clear of them for a variety of reasons...

Well, here I am now on my own and I'm finding it hard to deal with alot of things in my life now that I don't have anyone to confide in. I figured that since I spend alot of time on a PC of some kind at school, I may as well use it to have a place to vent.

So if you care at all about hearing the ramblings of a college student who's going in 20 different directions without any real destination, stay put. We'll share a laugh, a few stories, some lyrics to truely corny 80s rock songs (Ratt = God), and maybe I'll learn something about myself...