Oh no! Not for me, not for me
Call it torture, call it University
No! Arts and crafts is all I need
I'll take calligraphy and then I'll make a fake degree
Someone please save us, us college kids!
What my parents told me is what I did
They said go to school and be a college kid
But in the end I question why I did
- Reliant K -
Finals week. It's the same for all of you, no doubt. I've been here three years now and I've been able to form a couple of idea when it related to finals and the way everyone's minds begin to crack during the week. See, when Finals Week rolls around, your life boils down to one of two things:
1) Studying and complaining about your finals
Or
2) Not studying and listening to OTHER people complain about their finals.
This year, I've chosen the latter for the majority of my finals. To be fair, English is the major that strict teachers forgot, so those classes are all papers which is of little consequence to me. See, I subscribe to the "Frank the Tank School of Critical Thinking", that being...Black out and hope a paper is done when you wake up.
For Human Biology and World Politics, though?
Fucked.
Seeing as how I need something in the vicinity of a 178.9% on my final in World Politics to get an A and I gave up figuring out what I'd need in Human Biology after the 15th decimal point, I've decided to focus my efforts on more productive avenues. With this said, I've decided to create a small list of things one can do to make a final they have no shot at a bit more interesting.
Colin's Top 30 Things To Pass The Time At a Final
1) Wear a costume to the test.
2) Try to fill the test out in Morse Code.
3) Try to see if you can outlast everyone in the lecture hall.
4) Fill out every question and then ask her what the "Name" space is for.
5) Try to start a Wave with your classmates.
6) Bring spare outfits and get changed in the bathroom at 20-minute intervals.
7) Ask the professor if you can go to the nurse.
8) 40-minutes into it, stand up and ask if you're in the wrong room.
9) Super Soaker?
10) When you get the test, scream: "Finally! I've done it!" and run out of the room.
11) Go to the front of the class and give a monologue speech. My suggestion is Bill Murray's "We're Americans" speech from Stripes."
12) Ask the class if anyone's heard the new Good Charlotte track. Then sit down.
13) Ask the kid next to you if he/she farted loudly.
14) Do a few laps around the classroom.
15) If in a Lecture Hall with two doors, get up and walk out one door and then come in through the other and ask the teacher if this was the right room.
16) Isleway pushups.
17) Crack your knuckles for the length of the test as if you're preparing to take it.
18) Fall asleep for 90% of the test and then wake up and proclaim that you're "Ready for some testin'."
19) Show up in your sleep clothes, complete with blanket wrapped around yourself.
20) Wait until the test is half-over to come and then burst the doors open and tell them to "stop the wedding!"
21) Hand a blank test in and tell the professor that it's in invisible ink.
22) Sit in your chair backwards like A.C. Slater.
23) Answer every question with the number 7.
24) Stumble in wearing glasses and ask the professor if "this is going to take long because my dealer will be pissed if I'm late."
25) Write "Do you think I'm cute? Circle Yes or No" on the top of the test before you hand it in.
26) Instead of answering questions, just write one long essay on the merits of wearing underpants more than once.
27) Brush your teeth.
28) During that first real quiet moment in the test, ask the class what they REALLY think about that bitch of a professor.
29) Write the entire test like Arnold Schwarzenegger talks.
30) When you go to hand the test in, ask the professor if she's "ever though about making some cash by slanging that ass."
After next week, I'll have three more semesters in this place. That means you kids are GUARANTEED three more "filler" posts. Bask in it.
All the best,
Colin
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