I've been told emo songs are deep,
Which translates into really weak!
All they ever do is cry,
Did something get caught in their eyes?
I just can't understand it all,
Even I don't always bawl.. boohoohoo..
My girlfriend dumped me and I'm really really hurt...

- "Indie Sux, Hard-Line Sux, Emo Sux, You Suck!" (Anti-Flag)

Why are Emo Kids flooding this campus? I mean, jeez...Everywhere I look, I see a 6'2, 120 pound depressed little stick taking up my precious oxygen. It's enough to drive a normal man insane.

I should rewind this a tad before I get too far into things, though. First off...What IS an Emo Kid? Well, I'll tell you. Urban Dictionary defines an Emo Kid as such:

"Emo kids are just the new group who are following the new trend. Sure not all of them are perma-depressed, but it does get to me how they can't let go of past romances. just how rap only talks about bitches, emo only talks about how miserable they all are about past relationships. some wallow in misery for attention. others might actually mean it. they wear their girl-friends' clothes and actually seem to model themselves after women."

Kinda crude, sure, but I think it gets the point across with enough truth.

So now that we know WHAT an Emo Kid is, how can you spot one? Well, Kiddies, that's what I'm here for. In the rest of this post, I will describe to you what I've decided the defining characteristics of an Emo Kid are. I do this...I take this bullet...So you won't have to. So when you see one of these inferior life-forms in your daily buisness, you can run away in terror before they sink their whiney claws into you and suck all the fun of living out of you too. I do this because that's the kind soul that I am.

Alright, to first describe an Emo Kid, you must focus on their clothing. In order to fully commit to becoming an Emo Kid, you must include the following in your clothing repitore:

• Tight, faded T-Shirt. The more shirts you have that are four sizes too small for you with old company slogans on them, the better. The perferable origin of these shirts is from a Thrift Store, but if you are having no luck, look online. These shirts will be new and as a result, you won't be as Emo, but if you can have the other rules covered, you might just be alright.
• Tight pants. As with the T-Shirts, the tighter the better. I'm talking taking the train to Bulge City, tight. Also, bonus points will be awarded if you cuff those pants more than once.
• Meggenger bag covered with pins from bands no one has ever heard of that you sware you found at concerts, but since no one but 5 people actually KNOW of these bands, it's a safter bet you found them online.
• Converse shoes. This is crucial. Chuck Taylors are fantastic shoes, and I myself wear them, but they are vital to the Emo trend as well. You can't very well wear Air Jordans with your emo wardrobe. If you do, the other Emo Kids will take time out of their schedule of getting laughed at by normal human beings to make fun of you, and no one wants that.

Bonus Points (Not vital, but add to look and make you more Emo):

• Thick, black glasses. The thicker, the better. Think: Weezer.
• If you can find a tight jean jacket that has NO LESS than 6 holes in it on various parts, that will work. Remember, if there is 5 holes...You're screwed. It's not Emo, it's just sloppy.
• Piercings and Jewlery ALWAYS work well. I mean, there is a fine line between "Nerdy" Emo and "Punky Loser" Emo, so you have to be careful as to how much jewlery you intend on using.

Just as important as the way your dress, is the way you act. If you intend on going all-out for the Emo lifestyle, it's important that you follow these guidelines:

• George Bush. You must hate him. There's no middleground on this...To Emo Kids, President Bush is the devil incarnate. Fear and loath him.
• The hair. Greasy, black, and long. If your bangs don't cover the eyes...You're not doing it right. (Bonus points are also awarded if your bangs are combed straight down over your eyes and then tilted to the right or left.)
• Livejournal. Make one. All the "cool" Emo Kids are doing it these days.
• Become a vegan. This is vitally important. Emo Kids LOVE to bitch and moan about everything they consider to be "evil" (which is...You know...Everything that's worth doing in life) and eating meat is certainly cheif among those things.
• Quote dead poets. You don't even have to know anything about them, just find one of their works and memorize it. Then tell it to everyone and when they look at you with a confused look on their faces, laugh at them for not being as "cultured" as you are. I know it sounds silly, but seriously...Do it. Be sure to make the poets as little-known and dead as possible for fear of actually running into someone who knows about them, therefor making you look stupid.
  
• If you have an online screen name (AOL Instand Messanger or such), you must immediately change your name. Let's say your current name is "SoccerStar2005". If you wish to make it properly "Emo", you must change it something similar, but a bit more depressing like "xSoccerdepressingmorningstarx". Also, you have to alter the way you type. Typing like a normal human being is not allowed. Instead, you have to make extensive use of the period, like so:

"hello.how.are.you.today.i.am.horrible.because.my.life.isn't.worth.living.without.my.true.love.i.met.
in.kindergarten.i.live.her.so.much.i.think.i'll.write.a.whiney.song.about.her."

• Buy a digital camera and start taking pictures of half of your face. It will make you look "kewl" and "mysterious" because normal people just take...You know...Good pictures. (Bonus points are awarded if the photo is in black and white.)

For an example, here is a picture of me looking like I got punched in the balls, but this time...It's "Emo'd":



See? It's actually really simple.

• Start your own band. This is crucial to the development of a true "Emo Kid." Don't even worry about sucking, because honestly? All the mainstream Emo bands don't concern themselves with that either. All you have to do is think of a name that's kind of depressing and supposed to "make you think", get a guitar (Acoustic is perferred) and you're set.

To make this band transition even easier for you, I've provided you with a link to "The Emo Band Name Generator". One click of the button, and it will provide you with a suitably depressing and stupid band name:

Emo Band Name Generator

One final piece of advice, there is a saying that is at the heart of the Emo culture. Keep this in your heart at all times:

'THE ONLY FAD WORTH FOLLOWING IS THE ANTI-FAD."

If you follow the rules I have laid out for you above, you too can be an annoying Emo Kid. It's not as easy as I make it seem, however. You'll endure long hours of boring music, whiney poetry, tight clothing, and hair dying to get to the point the kids on this campus are, but I have faith. I have faith that one day, you will be a proud graduate of "Colin's School of Emo."

Just look at the snazzy diploma you get upon graduation:



...Now tell me that's not worth all the work.


Not quite depressed enough,
Colin

And everything's fine
And I don't know why I do this to myself
I've got this thing for losing my mind
I wish I could tell you all the things
I want to say yea
So now I think I will this time

- "Koolaid" (Bowling for Soup)

So, I was watching ESPN and their new "Teammates" show last night, and something the delightfully ghetto Quentin Richardson said got me thinking...

"You know Amare loves da Red Kool-Aid...That's how he do."

A simple quote like that was all it took for me to look inside myself and remember the most unhealthy habit I've ever had in my life. Smoking, Drinking, and Dodging speeding freeway traffic could never hold a candle to "The K." "The K" almost killed me as a young man...Whole days became sugary blurs as I gulped down glass after glass of that deliciously chilled beverage. I blame most of this on one man. The man who became my singluar reason for being for a good 5 or 6 years of my life. The man whose fascinating body structure dominated my every sugar-wired thought:



Oh, Kool-Aid man...You've been both my best friend and my worst enemy. However, at the risk of any further nostalgic waxing, I'll move back to my original line of thinking.

Quentin's statement got me wondering. Why do we call Cherry Kool-Aid by the name "Red" Kool-Aid? Looking back to when I REALLY pounded "The K", I don't think I ever referred to any other flavor of Kool-Aid by it's color.

I never said; "Hey mom, give me some green Kool-Aid!" or "Hey Dad, can I have some Purple Kool-Aid?" or even "Yo, I think I'm going to make some Green powder that turns into Blue liquid but leaves my fingers stained green for the next three weeks Kool-Aid!"

So why Red? Why does that flavor get called by it's color? Is there actually a "Red" Kool-Aid that this name was derived from?

Well, according to the un-official Kool-Aid FAQ, a poll was conducted in 1998 to determine the perferred flavor of Kool-Aid. What did that poll tell us?

Favorite Color 1st 2nd 3rd Total

------------------------------------------------
Red              3       1       1       12
Green            3       0       1       10
Orange           1       2       0       7
Purple           0       2       0       4
Blue             0       2       0       4
Pink             0       0       3       3

To no one, including this blogger's surprise, red ruled the roost.

So yeah, we know it's popular, but do we know if "red" actually existed?

I decided to first look at this from a scientific standpoint. What MAKES
"Red" Kool-Aid the color "Red"? Well, when thinking it over, all that science-talk kinda caused me to blank out and upon coming to hours later, I discovered that apparently, Red Kool-Aid appears red because dye molecules in the solution absorb light of all colors
except red. To make things even more confusing, here is a diagram of just that:

I apologize for none of that making sense or having anything to do with the topic at hand. I just kinda want you guys to think I'm intelligent and not just a victim of 80s and 90s Pop Culture.

...Back to point...

This is just all so confusing. I mean, look, "Red" Kool-Aid is PROBABLY cherry. Let's not beat around the bush...It's the flagship color for Kool-Aid. It's what the Kool-Aid man himself perfers, seeing as how it's what is in his glass body 99% of the time. As a kid? That's all I needed to know. If the man has the strength to punch through brick walls in order to deliver his sugary goodness to young children everywhere, who am I to question his flavor choices?

...But still. As an adult, I had to know. I couldn't let this mystery go un-resolved. So, in order to solve this mystery, I decided to go straight to the source. I decided to ask...the Kool-Aid Man himself. I mean, the guy fills himself with "Red" Kool-Aid on a daily basis. Shouldn't he know what flavor that is, exactly?

It wasn't until later that the people at Kraft Foods laughed at me when I called them to ask for a sit-down interview that I decided to improvise and walk around my room with a glass of Kool-Aid and this picture taped to my face with eye holes cut out:

Eventually, I just got tired and fell asleep. After I woke up four hours later with a big red stain on my shirt, I decided to say screw it. Possibly, there are just some things in this life that don't need to be solved. Life is better with some mystery in it...Right?

Enjoying "The K",
Colin