I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear
I'm right
I swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

- "Vindicated" (Dashboard Confessional)

I apologize for yesterday's entry. I'm so frustrated with school and my writing job that I just exploded for a second and you guys were allowed to view it, which I didn't intend to happen.

So, I've come to the decision that I'm through with relationships. I'm done looking for people, I'm done talking to people. I'm staying to myself because in the end...I'm the only person I can trust anymore. If you ever hear me talk about anyone or anything related to that on this blog...Please blast me with comments that are mean enough to draw a tear. They're not worth my time. I've got enough frustrations in my life already...I don't need another personal failure to compound it. I'm taking myself out of the running. I don't have much to offer anyone, but what little I do have obviously isn't getting it done, so I'm through with people. You can't trust anyone anymore...I've learned that in the last year or so. When push comes to shove, when it all hits the fan, when the time comes to make the decision...No one will be there for you. You'll be alone. You don't know what people really think of you untill you need them. The sooner you realize that, the easier life will become.

I don't think I want this major anymore, I really don't. I've finally found the one thing I'm good at, academically, and every second I'm around it...It pisses me off. I guess I've just become a very bitter person in the last 6 or 7 months, I don't know. I've wanted to write my whole life, and now that I'm getting close to my goal, I don't think I want it anymore. I don't know what I want out of my life anymore. It's funny, my whole life I've been the kid who "had it together". I've been the kid the teachers loved because I was mild-mannered, helped the other kids, and seemed to know exactly what I wanted for my future. Now, I've been here two years and everything I held sacred is turning out to be the things I don't want. The only thing I REALLY can be sure I know is that I don't know...

Tot ziens,
Colin

They don't know you anyway
They don't know you and they don't watch you walk away
Just a nobody girl
With a radar to the scene
When the emptiness finds you
You find all the numbers you need
Say you follow your heart
Well, honey you're just being lost
Say you follow your gut
Well, how much would it cost?

- "Nobody Girl" (Ryan Adams)

Teenage girls are a funny breed, they really are. Nowhere in their rediculously fuster-clucked brains do they approach anything considering a coherant thought. I'm so...God...Damn...Tired...Of getting burned by them. If one of you people is reading this, please...Give me a sign. I am so sick of trying to figure out what is in your heads. Why do you people across the board like giving decent guys like me (That's not me tooting my own horn. That's me being honest. I'm just not an asshole...It's the truth.) such a rough fucking time?

This has to be done. This has to be said. I don't think I can keep doing this shit, I may as well stay in my damn dorm room untill one of you fucking people grows a damn brain and some maturity and realzies that ASSHOLE GUYS WILL NOT CHANGE, THEY WILL NOT BE THERE FOR YOU, THEY WILL NOT MAKE YOUR LIVES BETTER, THEY WILL ONLY CAUSE YOU PAIN! JESUS CHRIST, THEY WILL ONLY FUCK WITH YOUR DAMN WORLD AND YOU'LL BE LEFT A BROKEN MESS WHO'S JOB IT IS FOR GUYS LIKE ME TO TRY TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER. IF YOU HAD GONE WITH THE NICE GUY IN THE FIRST PLACE, NONE OF THIS SHIT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED! I CANNOT DEAL WITH MORE OF THIS HEADACHE. IT'S BEEN SIX DAMN YEARS NOW, AND I HAVE NOT MET ONE FUCKING NORMAL GIRL IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! YOU SAY YOU'RE SO MUCH MORE MATURE THAN GUYS? FUCKING PROVE IT!


...FUCK.




...I feel better...No I don't, I'm lying. I feel like dejected, but I had to get that out anyway.

Wog maho,
Colin