So take me,
Don't leave me
Take me,
Don't leave me
Baby, love will come through
It's just waiting for you
- "Love Will Come Through" (Travis)
Alright, I really need to make this known right off the bat. For months, I've been building this blog with the reasoning that if I show off the more light-hearted side of me, then some kind of pre-determined response would come to fruition and I'd be suddenly a happy person with everything I've wanted in my life...
...That didn't happen.
I've spent a lot of time pouring myself into this blog and it's really left me with more questions than answers. I wanted to do this to find something out about myself, and I don't think I've done that yet. I've been doing this blog for almost a year now, and I'm still the same confused boy I was when I started it. I'm still riddled with the same insecurities and the same doubts that I was when I started, so what good has this served? I don't honestly know, to be honest. So, where does this leave me in this point of my life?
I've changed myself a lot since the day I started this blog. Some good, some bad. You know what it is, it's kind of odd. I think as I've changed my physical appearence more, I've become less of what I want to be mentally. I'm starting to really dislike myself more and more as I get in better shape. Does that even make sense? I've lost a lot of weight since I started this blog...I'm down to 135lbs. as of last night. I've gotten in the best shape I've been in in...I don't even know. Possibly ever. I've done all of this to impress someone in particular, I suppose. I hoped that if I changed my one percieved glaring flaw, things would change. It didn't work. It never worked. I was fighting an up-hill battle from day one, and I just never realized it...I never wanted to realize it...What has happened since this year started has made me realize just how little of a chance I ever had in this situation. That's left me incredibly bitter. I've really never felt like this before in my life, and I don't know how to fix it.
Will this blog change? I think it really will. I'm through trying to impress people with this thing...I'm going to let it all out here from now on. If you don't like that...If you miss the humorous Colin...If you miss the stupid jokes and songs...Read my old posts. That's not who I am. If that's what you thought I was, I'm sorry for leading you on. I'm not one joke after another...You're probably not going to find someone who's more different on the inside than what they are on the outside than me. I've probably got enough insecurities to kill a Bull Elephant and because of that, I fully plan on using this thing as a way to get my deepest thoughts and frustrations out before they eat me alive.
I guess...I guess all I really wanted was to just be accepted by someone, I suppose. I'm so tired of it, I really am. I'm tired of living my life in a "blah" state. I'm tired of being the bridesmaid and never the bride, so to speak. They say that things happen when you least expect it, but when I'm 95 years old a bitter old man...Then what? Will love come through then? Will everyone who told me that have lived their lives with someone they love? Probably so. Will I? Probably not. I've got to learn to accept that...
Ha det bra,
Colin
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