I'm on my way to new orleans this mornin',
Leaving out of nashville, tennessee,
They're always having a good time down on the bayou,
Lord, them delta women think the world of me.

- The Allman Brothers -

Have you ever...? (The "I've Got No Other Ideas" Edition)

(x) Smoked a cigar
( ) Smoked anything else
( ) Kiss a member of the same sex
( ) Crashed a friend's car
( ) Stolen a car

(x) Been in love
(x) Been dumped
( ) Shoplifted
( ) Been fired
( ) Been in a fist fight

( ) Snuck out of parent's house
(x) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) Been arrested
( ) Made out with a stranger
( ) Gone on a blind date

(x) Lied to a friend
(x) Had a crush on a teacher
(x) Fell in love with someone whose name you couldn't bother to remember
( ) Slept with a co-worker
( ) Seen someone die

( ) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
( ) Thrown up in a bar
( ) Purposely set a part of yourself on fire

( ) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been snowboarding
( ) Been moshing at a concert
(x) Put your foot through drywall
(x) Taken painkillers

( ) Love someone right now
( ) Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) Make a snow penis
(x) Memorized "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems" lyrics
(x) Flown a kite

(x) Built a sand castle
(x) Been attacked by three cats at once
(x) Sleep in a closet in North Carolina
( ) Sleepwalked
(x) Gone sledding

(x) Cheated while playing a game
(x) Been lonely
(x) Fallen asleep at work/school
( ) Used a fake ID
(x) Watched the sun set

( ) Felt an earthquake
(x) Forced someone to refer to you as "Colin Calrissian"
(x) Been tickled
( ) Been robbed
( ) Robbed someone

(x) Thought a girl was hot on Springer who was actually a guy
(x) Laugh at someone deemed less cool than you
(x) Won a contest
(x) Ran a red light
( ) Been suspended from school

(x) Had detention
( ) Been in a car accident
( ) Had braces
(x) Ever legally be able to say you "Ate yourself stupid"
(x) Hated the way you look

(x) Witnessed a crime
(x) Had deja vu
(x) Had deja vu
(x) Make a bad joke only you laughed at
( ) Been obsessed with post-it notes

( ) Squished barefoot through the mud
(x) Been lost
(x) Been to the opposite side of the country
(x) Swam in the ocean
(x) Felt like dying

(x) Pissed someone off by just looking at them
(x) Played cops and robbers
(x) Drew on yourself with a Sharpie and spent 3 weeks getting it off
( ) Sung karaoke
( ) Paid for gas with only coins

(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) Made prank phone calls
( ) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) Spear-tackled a snowman
(x) Watched "She's All That" 46 times

(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) Sent an online birthday card instead of a real one
(x) Pay someone to call you a nickname you think is cool
( ) Own a pair of leather pants
( ) Made a bonfire on the beach

( ) Crashed a party
( ) Have traveled more than 5 days with a car full of people
(x) Gone rollerskating/blading
(x) Had a wish come true (New Backstreet Boys album!)
(x) Knock yourself unconscious

( ) Get a tattoo
( ) Jumped off a bridge
(x) Screamed "penis" in class
( ) Ate dog food
( ) Be legally able to say you "Got your swerve on"

(x) Sang in the shower
( ) Wore a beater in public
( ) Fucked in a park
( ) Fucked in the bathoom
(x) Had a dream that you married someone

(x) Glued your hand to something
( ) Got your tongue stuck to a pole
(x) Been that guy they sing about in Emo songs
( ) Worn the opposite sexes clothes
(x) Spent $300 on something you never used

( ) Sat on a roof top
( ) Had sex at a church
(x) Screamed at the top of your lungs
(x) Done a one-handed cartwheel
( ) Talked on the phone for more than 6 hours

(x) Stayed up all night
( ) Didn't take a shower for a week
( ) Pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) Climbed a tree
( ) Had a tree house

(x) Are scared to watch Rob Schneider movies alone
( ) Believe in ghosts
(x) Wore one pair of pants for two weeks
(x) Took your shirt off in class
( ) Gone streaking

(x) Played ding-dong-ditch
(x) Played chicken
(x) Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) Been told you're hot by a complete stranger
( ) Broken a bone

(x) Been easily amused
(x) Screamed someone in your class's name out while sleeping in class
( ) Made porn
(x) Caught a fly with your hand
(x) Laughed so hard you cried

(x) Get punched so hard you passed out
( ) Mooned/flashed someone
(x) Had someone moon/flash you
(x) Cheated on a test
(x) Forgotten someone's name

(x) Slept naked
(x) Shaved your right arm and it didn't grow back for a year
( ) Gone skinny dipping
( ) Been kicked out of your house
(x) Learn how to be a pro wrestler...Just in-case.

Give me some sugar,
Colin

If there's one thing I've learned at this hospital, it's to never antagonize your boss or the people who makes the food, because you end up eating poo.

- Dr. Elliot Reed -

I'm in the mood for one of those "Random thoughts" blog updates. Now, that could be because I have a literal flood of ideas flying through my brain, or because I don't have enough for an actual post. I'll leave the truth up to you guys to decide...Consider it one of those "Choose Your Own Adventure" type deals, if you will.

Colin's "I'm Out of Ideas" Random Observations:

- Guys...If your girl walks in on you fooling around with a drunken co-ed in a bathroom at some dingy frat house. Just say this:

"What's THAT all about?"

Just look around, all confused, and say that. It won't do anything for you, but somewhere I'll know you tried it...And I'll laugh.

- Why the hell do people tell you that they'll look at a link you sent them over IM "in a second"...? They can't be doing anything THAT important if they're carrying on a conversation with you. Just click the fucking thing...It'll take two seconds. I promise.

- Ladies. More importantly, "Drunk Jabba The Hut Look-alike who keeps taking her top off for everyone at the party"...No one wants to see that. Seriously. It's been so long since I got anything even REMOTLEY resembling "sumthin', sumthin'" and you aren't even coming within the same area code of what I'd consider a "drunken last resort." For the sake of Richard P. Kornheiser and the "Twins"...Keep those things at bay.

- I hate looking at people's webshots gallaries. I really do. They make me feel like I'm missing out on some super-cool hyjinks when I read the the discriptions that accompany the photos. You know what I'm talking about...They're always something goofy like:

"My girlz are soooo kurazy!"

"Bein' siiilly!"

"My girlz iz soooo hawt!"

"(Insert name) is super-kute!"

- I'm going to go out on a limb and say that 87% of all Facebook photos are taken with the person holding an alcoholic beverage. I go to parties...I don't have any of those pictures. Now that I think about it, I don't actually have any pictures of me with anything edible in my hands. I should look into fixing that.

- Voice boxes are funny. I almost wish I smoked myself into a cancerous haze so much that I needed one. Almost. Actually, yes...But not really.

- Jimi Hendrix died by choking on his own vomit. I wish my first name ended with an I.

- How was the Paninni sandwhich created? I've been thinking about this latley...How did someone decide to put coleslaw, french fries, cheese, fried egg, and meat on Italian bread? That combination doesn't even approach making sense.

- I've had my guitar for 10 months now, and the only thing I can play is the opening to "Enter Sandman" and some of "Stairway to Heaven." I'm now officially qualified to start my own Pop Punk band.

- Since no one has done it yet, I've decided to make July 13th into National "Pop Your Collar" day. Update your calendars.

- My friend Joe was in the room earlier with the intention of finishing off his remaining Natural Lights for the year. He was talking to me on the couch when he unleashed the most life-threatening belch I've ever laid witness to in my life. It's been three hours and my eyes are still crossed a little bit.

- John Mayer once dated Heidi Klum. Think about that. It gives a guy like me hope that someday, I too can hook-up with a chick who did Seal.

- I have this one black chest hair that's been growing for months. Since it's the only one I've got at the current moment, I've decided to name it Lando.

- Did Jimmy Ray ever find out who wanted to know who Jimmy Ray was?

- The guy who invented the color "Sea Green" sucks.

- I went to the Proctologist a few weeks ago. They don't like it when you ask them for dinner and drinks before they do their work. Apparently, that's not funny in Chocolate City.

- I've decided that if I take someone out, I'm getting them to agree to re-imburse me for funds depleted if I don't, at the very least, find what their breath tastes like while in a drunken haze. I feel it's only fair.

- Why do people look at me oddly when I do the Lawnmower dance at parties?

- I don't remember what happened February 12th. Not like, a 20-minute stretch when I cracked my head getting off of my loft...Like, the whole day. It's like it didn't even happen. I don't even know why I don't remember it, because if I knew that, then I'd remember something from that day.

- This will always be funny. Always.

- I'm taking a final tomorrow. I want to test my theory that if I have my iPod with me and have it play "One Shining Moment" on a continuous loop...I'll get at least a 90%. Fingers crossed, because honestly? I didn't study because I'm relying on this proving itself true.

- I have all the lyrics to "Ride Wit Me" by Nelly memorized and I have for the last two years.

- You know how they say that there is "someone for everyone"...? What if there's an odd number of people on Earth? Is that one dude fucked?

...That's all I got. Good night. Seriously. Go. I mean...You can stay if you want, but things might start getting uncomfortable here in a minute or two. Trust me, it'll only end with one of us weeping, and there's a solid chance it'll be me. That's not good for anyone.

Later,
Colin

I've been told emo songs are deep,
Which translates into really weak!
All they ever do is cry,
Did something get caught in their eyes?
I just can't understand it all,
Even I don't always bawl.. boohoohoo..
My girlfriend dumped me and I'm really really hurt...

- "Indie Sux, Hard-Line Sux, Emo Sux, You Suck!" (Anti-Flag)

Why are Emo Kids flooding this campus? I mean, jeez...Everywhere I look, I see a 6'2, 120 pound depressed little stick taking up my precious oxygen. It's enough to drive a normal man insane.

I should rewind this a tad before I get too far into things, though. First off...What IS an Emo Kid? Well, I'll tell you. Urban Dictionary defines an Emo Kid as such:

"Emo kids are just the new group who are following the new trend. Sure not all of them are perma-depressed, but it does get to me how they can't let go of past romances. just how rap only talks about bitches, emo only talks about how miserable they all are about past relationships. some wallow in misery for attention. others might actually mean it. they wear their girl-friends' clothes and actually seem to model themselves after women."

Kinda crude, sure, but I think it gets the point across with enough truth.

So now that we know WHAT an Emo Kid is, how can you spot one? Well, Kiddies, that's what I'm here for. In the rest of this post, I will describe to you what I've decided the defining characteristics of an Emo Kid are. I do this...I take this bullet...So you won't have to. So when you see one of these inferior life-forms in your daily buisness, you can run away in terror before they sink their whiney claws into you and suck all the fun of living out of you too. I do this because that's the kind soul that I am.

Alright, to first describe an Emo Kid, you must focus on their clothing. In order to fully commit to becoming an Emo Kid, you must include the following in your clothing repitore:

• Tight, faded T-Shirt. The more shirts you have that are four sizes too small for you with old company slogans on them, the better. The perferable origin of these shirts is from a Thrift Store, but if you are having no luck, look online. These shirts will be new and as a result, you won't be as Emo, but if you can have the other rules covered, you might just be alright.
• Tight pants. As with the T-Shirts, the tighter the better. I'm talking taking the train to Bulge City, tight. Also, bonus points will be awarded if you cuff those pants more than once.
• Meggenger bag covered with pins from bands no one has ever heard of that you sware you found at concerts, but since no one but 5 people actually KNOW of these bands, it's a safter bet you found them online.
• Converse shoes. This is crucial. Chuck Taylors are fantastic shoes, and I myself wear them, but they are vital to the Emo trend as well. You can't very well wear Air Jordans with your emo wardrobe. If you do, the other Emo Kids will take time out of their schedule of getting laughed at by normal human beings to make fun of you, and no one wants that.

Bonus Points (Not vital, but add to look and make you more Emo):

• Thick, black glasses. The thicker, the better. Think: Weezer.
• If you can find a tight jean jacket that has NO LESS than 6 holes in it on various parts, that will work. Remember, if there is 5 holes...You're screwed. It's not Emo, it's just sloppy.
• Piercings and Jewlery ALWAYS work well. I mean, there is a fine line between "Nerdy" Emo and "Punky Loser" Emo, so you have to be careful as to how much jewlery you intend on using.

Just as important as the way your dress, is the way you act. If you intend on going all-out for the Emo lifestyle, it's important that you follow these guidelines:

• George Bush. You must hate him. There's no middleground on this...To Emo Kids, President Bush is the devil incarnate. Fear and loath him.
• The hair. Greasy, black, and long. If your bangs don't cover the eyes...You're not doing it right. (Bonus points are also awarded if your bangs are combed straight down over your eyes and then tilted to the right or left.)
• Livejournal. Make one. All the "cool" Emo Kids are doing it these days.
• Become a vegan. This is vitally important. Emo Kids LOVE to bitch and moan about everything they consider to be "evil" (which is...You know...Everything that's worth doing in life) and eating meat is certainly cheif among those things.
• Quote dead poets. You don't even have to know anything about them, just find one of their works and memorize it. Then tell it to everyone and when they look at you with a confused look on their faces, laugh at them for not being as "cultured" as you are. I know it sounds silly, but seriously...Do it. Be sure to make the poets as little-known and dead as possible for fear of actually running into someone who knows about them, therefor making you look stupid.
  
• If you have an online screen name (AOL Instand Messanger or such), you must immediately change your name. Let's say your current name is "SoccerStar2005". If you wish to make it properly "Emo", you must change it something similar, but a bit more depressing like "xSoccerdepressingmorningstarx". Also, you have to alter the way you type. Typing like a normal human being is not allowed. Instead, you have to make extensive use of the period, like so:

"hello.how.are.you.today.i.am.horrible.because.my.life.isn't.worth.living.without.my.true.love.i.met.
in.kindergarten.i.live.her.so.much.i.think.i'll.write.a.whiney.song.about.her."

• Buy a digital camera and start taking pictures of half of your face. It will make you look "kewl" and "mysterious" because normal people just take...You know...Good pictures. (Bonus points are awarded if the photo is in black and white.)

For an example, here is a picture of me looking like I got punched in the balls, but this time...It's "Emo'd":



See? It's actually really simple.

• Start your own band. This is crucial to the development of a true "Emo Kid." Don't even worry about sucking, because honestly? All the mainstream Emo bands don't concern themselves with that either. All you have to do is think of a name that's kind of depressing and supposed to "make you think", get a guitar (Acoustic is perferred) and you're set.

To make this band transition even easier for you, I've provided you with a link to "The Emo Band Name Generator". One click of the button, and it will provide you with a suitably depressing and stupid band name:

Emo Band Name Generator

One final piece of advice, there is a saying that is at the heart of the Emo culture. Keep this in your heart at all times:

'THE ONLY FAD WORTH FOLLOWING IS THE ANTI-FAD."

If you follow the rules I have laid out for you above, you too can be an annoying Emo Kid. It's not as easy as I make it seem, however. You'll endure long hours of boring music, whiney poetry, tight clothing, and hair dying to get to the point the kids on this campus are, but I have faith. I have faith that one day, you will be a proud graduate of "Colin's School of Emo."

Just look at the snazzy diploma you get upon graduation:



...Now tell me that's not worth all the work.


Not quite depressed enough,
Colin

And everything's fine
And I don't know why I do this to myself
I've got this thing for losing my mind
I wish I could tell you all the things
I want to say yea
So now I think I will this time

- "Koolaid" (Bowling for Soup)

So, I was watching ESPN and their new "Teammates" show last night, and something the delightfully ghetto Quentin Richardson said got me thinking...

"You know Amare loves da Red Kool-Aid...That's how he do."

A simple quote like that was all it took for me to look inside myself and remember the most unhealthy habit I've ever had in my life. Smoking, Drinking, and Dodging speeding freeway traffic could never hold a candle to "The K." "The K" almost killed me as a young man...Whole days became sugary blurs as I gulped down glass after glass of that deliciously chilled beverage. I blame most of this on one man. The man who became my singluar reason for being for a good 5 or 6 years of my life. The man whose fascinating body structure dominated my every sugar-wired thought:



Oh, Kool-Aid man...You've been both my best friend and my worst enemy. However, at the risk of any further nostalgic waxing, I'll move back to my original line of thinking.

Quentin's statement got me wondering. Why do we call Cherry Kool-Aid by the name "Red" Kool-Aid? Looking back to when I REALLY pounded "The K", I don't think I ever referred to any other flavor of Kool-Aid by it's color.

I never said; "Hey mom, give me some green Kool-Aid!" or "Hey Dad, can I have some Purple Kool-Aid?" or even "Yo, I think I'm going to make some Green powder that turns into Blue liquid but leaves my fingers stained green for the next three weeks Kool-Aid!"

So why Red? Why does that flavor get called by it's color? Is there actually a "Red" Kool-Aid that this name was derived from?

Well, according to the un-official Kool-Aid FAQ, a poll was conducted in 1998 to determine the perferred flavor of Kool-Aid. What did that poll tell us?

Favorite Color 1st 2nd 3rd Total

------------------------------------------------
Red              3       1       1       12
Green            3       0       1       10
Orange           1       2       0       7
Purple           0       2       0       4
Blue             0       2       0       4
Pink             0       0       3       3

To no one, including this blogger's surprise, red ruled the roost.

So yeah, we know it's popular, but do we know if "red" actually existed?

I decided to first look at this from a scientific standpoint. What MAKES
"Red" Kool-Aid the color "Red"? Well, when thinking it over, all that science-talk kinda caused me to blank out and upon coming to hours later, I discovered that apparently, Red Kool-Aid appears red because dye molecules in the solution absorb light of all colors
except red. To make things even more confusing, here is a diagram of just that:

I apologize for none of that making sense or having anything to do with the topic at hand. I just kinda want you guys to think I'm intelligent and not just a victim of 80s and 90s Pop Culture.

...Back to point...

This is just all so confusing. I mean, look, "Red" Kool-Aid is PROBABLY cherry. Let's not beat around the bush...It's the flagship color for Kool-Aid. It's what the Kool-Aid man himself perfers, seeing as how it's what is in his glass body 99% of the time. As a kid? That's all I needed to know. If the man has the strength to punch through brick walls in order to deliver his sugary goodness to young children everywhere, who am I to question his flavor choices?

...But still. As an adult, I had to know. I couldn't let this mystery go un-resolved. So, in order to solve this mystery, I decided to go straight to the source. I decided to ask...the Kool-Aid Man himself. I mean, the guy fills himself with "Red" Kool-Aid on a daily basis. Shouldn't he know what flavor that is, exactly?

It wasn't until later that the people at Kraft Foods laughed at me when I called them to ask for a sit-down interview that I decided to improvise and walk around my room with a glass of Kool-Aid and this picture taped to my face with eye holes cut out:

Eventually, I just got tired and fell asleep. After I woke up four hours later with a big red stain on my shirt, I decided to say screw it. Possibly, there are just some things in this life that don't need to be solved. Life is better with some mystery in it...Right?

Enjoying "The K",
Colin