"Wait. You guys, I have an awesome idea! We should secretly go around and tell all the students we can to not check any of the mascots on this election sheet, and instead write in 'Giant Douche.'"

- South Park -

Ever since I was a young lad, I've had a fascination with mascots. You know, those big cartoony looking guys in costume at sporting events. To most, Mascots are held in the same esteem as clowns and campus security, but to me? To me, they symbolize all that is right in the world.

Donning fuzzy uniforms and giant sneakers, they are the mascots of professional and college sports. And they can impact a game, not with a buzzer-beating shot or an in the park home run, but with a comical routine or dance. The best can ignite the home crowd while simultaneously agitating the opposing players. They exist to bring nothing but joy and the occasional break-dance with a midget on-top of the opposing team's dugout to curse the opposition with some sort of voodoo jinx. The sight of Billy the Marlin spinning on his head is enough to bring a tear to my eyes.

With that said, here is a list of my Top 5 personal favorite mascots in sports (I know I said I'd talk about my trip to Disney World but just go with it...I had this idea in my head while I was driving home from work today and I had to get it out. Sadly, you are the suckers who have to play the role of the victim. You'll see what I mean later.):

5. Go (Phoenix Suns - NBA)



Gotta show love to the original NBA mascot. Well it may seem rather weak compared to current mascot heavyweights, Go is the hairy gorilla in a Phoenix Suns warmup shirt that revolutionized professional sports mascots. Debuting in 1980, Go shunned the traditional route of comedic dancing and opted for amazing athletic feats. The Suns' gorilla began rappelling from the ceiling and became the first mascot to feature high-flying dunks and trampolines in his act. With a team that includes a mascot coordinator to set up the props and a younger brother named Junior, Go leapt off the trampoline and into the hearts of Phoenix fans.

4. Phillie Phanatic (Philadelphia Phillies - MLB)



A bright green, feathery blob with bushy eyebrows and a big beak, the Phanatic was one of three mascots whose costumes are in the Baseball Hall of Fame, the Phillie Phanatic made a name for himself by storming onto the field on an ATV and mixing it up with the other team's players, sometimes even dancing with them.

3. San Diego Chicken (San Diego Padres - MLB)



The original and still the king of the mountain when it comes to recognizability, the San Diego Chicken is the granddaddy of professional sports mascots. The giant yellow chicken was named by the Sporting News as one of the Top 100 Most Powerful People In Sports For The 20th Century. Not always a famous pro mascot, the Chicken began with a one-week stint handing out Easter eggs at the San Diego Zoo before blossoming into the most recognizable mascot of all time and performing all over the world.

2. Otto the Orange (Syracuse Orangemen - NCAA)



In the late 1970's, Syracuse University discontinued using the Saltine Warrior, a Native American warrior, as their mascot. In the following years proposals and attempts at mascots included Egnaro the Troll, a Superman-like figure, and a man in an orange tuxedo. It wasn't untill 1995 that the university decided to officially go with the gigant orange as a mascot, and boy what a decision it was.

Striking fear into the hearts of Big East rivals and bringing joy to the thousands who pack the Carrior Dome to watch the Orange play and millions around the world, Otto has become one of the pre-eminent mascots in college sports, recently being named to the Capitol One "All-Mascot Team" for the second straight year.

1. Big Red (Western Kentucky Hilltoppers - NCAA)



Here he is, folks. The Rolls Royce of Mascots. The Rolling Stones of Mascots. The Babe Ruth of Mascots. Big Red - Better known by his full name of "Big F'N Red" - the mascot of the small-conference Western Kentucky Hilltoppers. This is the rare case where the Mascot is actually more well-known than the university or team it represents.

Big Red, like Otto the Orange, has been named to the "All-Mascot" team two years running. He's also been in multiple ESPN Sportscenter commercials, helping the nation to realize what a phenom Mr. Red truely is. Big Red may be a shapeless blob, but to fans of the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers this furry mascot couldn't be more inspiring. Embodying the students' intense school pride, Red is a belly-sliding, crowd-surfing daredevil who's not afraid to risk life and limb to get the Hilltopper faithful fired up.

(Thanks to AskMen.com for help with some of the descriptions. If only I had the time to devote to researching THAT much information on mascots. *Sigh*...Maybe one day.)

Okay, now to the REAL reason I made this thread...

One of my goals, if you know me well enough, is to marry a rich woman so I can have a bunch of money I didn't have to work for to spend on weird crap. One of those things is my own personal mascot that looks just like me and who's job it is to get the people around me all pumped up and do funny things to amuse me in my downtime.

Another thing you'd know about me if you knew me well enough is that I have a TON of free-time on my hands. To those of you who don't know me well, I'd like to think that, by reading my blog, you've picked up on the fact that I'm a loser by now. In yet another attempt to prove that point beyond a shadow of a doubt, I'd done the following:

Picture of Me (Looking VERY stoned, but I have a shortage of acceptable pictures of myself, so bear with me):



Picture of what I want my personal Mascot to look like:



That picture would also be applicable if I ever wanted to know what I'd look like as a cartoon. I suppose that could cover it's own post, though. Hmmm...

Keeping it sleezy,
Colin

"Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios."

- Family Guy -

So, I've got this annoying habit of purposely exposing just how incredibly much free-time I have on my hands. Well, since it's been awhile since I've made an idiot of myself on this blog, I've decided to share with you my latest observation.

My hair. It's poofy.

I can't help it, really. I'm pretty much all Irish, and with that comes a few traits that are, well, un-avoidable:

- I have approximately 34,000 first-cousins.
- The ability to tan is lost upon me.
- Potatoes. Serve 'em up.
- I suck at Basketball.
- I have a natural talent for curse words.
- Many of my female relatives are named Mary, Catherine, or Elizabeth, and one of them is named Mary Catherine Elizabeth.
- I think food tastes better boiled, for some reason.
- I've never vomited after drinking. To do so would waste alcohol.

...But the one trait that I'd like to discuss today is that I have incredibly wavey hair. I normally can control it, thanks to the relatively colder weather of Northeastern Ohio, but when things get warm...Things get dicey.

To illustrate my point, here is a photo from my recent trip to Disney World:



(On a side-note: No matter who I meet in my life, no one will ever match up to the un-bridled awesomeness of Chip and Dale. They bring it 6 days a week and twice on Sundays.)

Looks alright, eh? Dare I say, "hawt" even? Well, since I don't have any other photos from later on in the day with me at the moment, I'll just perform a little "time-lapse" work on this to illustrate what my main looked like a couple of hours down the road:



Bam. Afro. Or, if you want to get specific, the "McFro." Or the "O'Fro." Either one, really. We Irish kind of use them interchangably.

(Oh, and again...Side-note...I gave myself some cool sideburns. I couldn't help myself. Sorry.)

I'll talk about my experiences at Disney World later on. I'm all tuckered out...It's been a long day. To be perfectly honest, the only reason I posted this was because I always wondered what I'd look like with an afro. It's late...So sue me.

Hasta,
Colin

I'm on my way to new orleans this mornin',
Leaving out of nashville, tennessee,
They're always having a good time down on the bayou,
Lord, them delta women think the world of me.

- The Allman Brothers -

Have you ever...? (The "I've Got No Other Ideas" Edition)

(x) Smoked a cigar
( ) Smoked anything else
( ) Kiss a member of the same sex
( ) Crashed a friend's car
( ) Stolen a car

(x) Been in love
(x) Been dumped
( ) Shoplifted
( ) Been fired
( ) Been in a fist fight

( ) Snuck out of parent's house
(x) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) Been arrested
( ) Made out with a stranger
( ) Gone on a blind date

(x) Lied to a friend
(x) Had a crush on a teacher
(x) Fell in love with someone whose name you couldn't bother to remember
( ) Slept with a co-worker
( ) Seen someone die

( ) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
( ) Thrown up in a bar
( ) Purposely set a part of yourself on fire

( ) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been snowboarding
( ) Been moshing at a concert
(x) Put your foot through drywall
(x) Taken painkillers

( ) Love someone right now
( ) Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) Make a snow penis
(x) Memorized "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems" lyrics
(x) Flown a kite

(x) Built a sand castle
(x) Been attacked by three cats at once
(x) Sleep in a closet in North Carolina
( ) Sleepwalked
(x) Gone sledding

(x) Cheated while playing a game
(x) Been lonely
(x) Fallen asleep at work/school
( ) Used a fake ID
(x) Watched the sun set

( ) Felt an earthquake
(x) Forced someone to refer to you as "Colin Calrissian"
(x) Been tickled
( ) Been robbed
( ) Robbed someone

(x) Thought a girl was hot on Springer who was actually a guy
(x) Laugh at someone deemed less cool than you
(x) Won a contest
(x) Ran a red light
( ) Been suspended from school

(x) Had detention
( ) Been in a car accident
( ) Had braces
(x) Ever legally be able to say you "Ate yourself stupid"
(x) Hated the way you look

(x) Witnessed a crime
(x) Had deja vu
(x) Had deja vu
(x) Make a bad joke only you laughed at
( ) Been obsessed with post-it notes

( ) Squished barefoot through the mud
(x) Been lost
(x) Been to the opposite side of the country
(x) Swam in the ocean
(x) Felt like dying

(x) Pissed someone off by just looking at them
(x) Played cops and robbers
(x) Drew on yourself with a Sharpie and spent 3 weeks getting it off
( ) Sung karaoke
( ) Paid for gas with only coins

(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) Made prank phone calls
( ) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) Spear-tackled a snowman
(x) Watched "She's All That" 46 times

(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) Sent an online birthday card instead of a real one
(x) Pay someone to call you a nickname you think is cool
( ) Own a pair of leather pants
( ) Made a bonfire on the beach

( ) Crashed a party
( ) Have traveled more than 5 days with a car full of people
(x) Gone rollerskating/blading
(x) Had a wish come true (New Backstreet Boys album!)
(x) Knock yourself unconscious

( ) Get a tattoo
( ) Jumped off a bridge
(x) Screamed "penis" in class
( ) Ate dog food
( ) Be legally able to say you "Got your swerve on"

(x) Sang in the shower
( ) Wore a beater in public
( ) Fucked in a park
( ) Fucked in the bathoom
(x) Had a dream that you married someone

(x) Glued your hand to something
( ) Got your tongue stuck to a pole
(x) Been that guy they sing about in Emo songs
( ) Worn the opposite sexes clothes
(x) Spent $300 on something you never used

( ) Sat on a roof top
( ) Had sex at a church
(x) Screamed at the top of your lungs
(x) Done a one-handed cartwheel
( ) Talked on the phone for more than 6 hours

(x) Stayed up all night
( ) Didn't take a shower for a week
( ) Pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) Climbed a tree
( ) Had a tree house

(x) Are scared to watch Rob Schneider movies alone
( ) Believe in ghosts
(x) Wore one pair of pants for two weeks
(x) Took your shirt off in class
( ) Gone streaking

(x) Played ding-dong-ditch
(x) Played chicken
(x) Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) Been told you're hot by a complete stranger
( ) Broken a bone

(x) Been easily amused
(x) Screamed someone in your class's name out while sleeping in class
( ) Made porn
(x) Caught a fly with your hand
(x) Laughed so hard you cried

(x) Get punched so hard you passed out
( ) Mooned/flashed someone
(x) Had someone moon/flash you
(x) Cheated on a test
(x) Forgotten someone's name

(x) Slept naked
(x) Shaved your right arm and it didn't grow back for a year
( ) Gone skinny dipping
( ) Been kicked out of your house
(x) Learn how to be a pro wrestler...Just in-case.

Give me some sugar,
Colin

If there's one thing I've learned at this hospital, it's to never antagonize your boss or the people who makes the food, because you end up eating poo.

- Dr. Elliot Reed -

I'm in the mood for one of those "Random thoughts" blog updates. Now, that could be because I have a literal flood of ideas flying through my brain, or because I don't have enough for an actual post. I'll leave the truth up to you guys to decide...Consider it one of those "Choose Your Own Adventure" type deals, if you will.

Colin's "I'm Out of Ideas" Random Observations:

- Guys...If your girl walks in on you fooling around with a drunken co-ed in a bathroom at some dingy frat house. Just say this:

"What's THAT all about?"

Just look around, all confused, and say that. It won't do anything for you, but somewhere I'll know you tried it...And I'll laugh.

- Why the hell do people tell you that they'll look at a link you sent them over IM "in a second"...? They can't be doing anything THAT important if they're carrying on a conversation with you. Just click the fucking thing...It'll take two seconds. I promise.

- Ladies. More importantly, "Drunk Jabba The Hut Look-alike who keeps taking her top off for everyone at the party"...No one wants to see that. Seriously. It's been so long since I got anything even REMOTLEY resembling "sumthin', sumthin'" and you aren't even coming within the same area code of what I'd consider a "drunken last resort." For the sake of Richard P. Kornheiser and the "Twins"...Keep those things at bay.

- I hate looking at people's webshots gallaries. I really do. They make me feel like I'm missing out on some super-cool hyjinks when I read the the discriptions that accompany the photos. You know what I'm talking about...They're always something goofy like:

"My girlz are soooo kurazy!"

"Bein' siiilly!"

"My girlz iz soooo hawt!"

"(Insert name) is super-kute!"

- I'm going to go out on a limb and say that 87% of all Facebook photos are taken with the person holding an alcoholic beverage. I go to parties...I don't have any of those pictures. Now that I think about it, I don't actually have any pictures of me with anything edible in my hands. I should look into fixing that.

- Voice boxes are funny. I almost wish I smoked myself into a cancerous haze so much that I needed one. Almost. Actually, yes...But not really.

- Jimi Hendrix died by choking on his own vomit. I wish my first name ended with an I.

- How was the Paninni sandwhich created? I've been thinking about this latley...How did someone decide to put coleslaw, french fries, cheese, fried egg, and meat on Italian bread? That combination doesn't even approach making sense.

- I've had my guitar for 10 months now, and the only thing I can play is the opening to "Enter Sandman" and some of "Stairway to Heaven." I'm now officially qualified to start my own Pop Punk band.

- Since no one has done it yet, I've decided to make July 13th into National "Pop Your Collar" day. Update your calendars.

- My friend Joe was in the room earlier with the intention of finishing off his remaining Natural Lights for the year. He was talking to me on the couch when he unleashed the most life-threatening belch I've ever laid witness to in my life. It's been three hours and my eyes are still crossed a little bit.

- John Mayer once dated Heidi Klum. Think about that. It gives a guy like me hope that someday, I too can hook-up with a chick who did Seal.

- I have this one black chest hair that's been growing for months. Since it's the only one I've got at the current moment, I've decided to name it Lando.

- Did Jimmy Ray ever find out who wanted to know who Jimmy Ray was?

- The guy who invented the color "Sea Green" sucks.

- I went to the Proctologist a few weeks ago. They don't like it when you ask them for dinner and drinks before they do their work. Apparently, that's not funny in Chocolate City.

- I've decided that if I take someone out, I'm getting them to agree to re-imburse me for funds depleted if I don't, at the very least, find what their breath tastes like while in a drunken haze. I feel it's only fair.

- Why do people look at me oddly when I do the Lawnmower dance at parties?

- I don't remember what happened February 12th. Not like, a 20-minute stretch when I cracked my head getting off of my loft...Like, the whole day. It's like it didn't even happen. I don't even know why I don't remember it, because if I knew that, then I'd remember something from that day.

- This will always be funny. Always.

- I'm taking a final tomorrow. I want to test my theory that if I have my iPod with me and have it play "One Shining Moment" on a continuous loop...I'll get at least a 90%. Fingers crossed, because honestly? I didn't study because I'm relying on this proving itself true.

- I have all the lyrics to "Ride Wit Me" by Nelly memorized and I have for the last two years.

- You know how they say that there is "someone for everyone"...? What if there's an odd number of people on Earth? Is that one dude fucked?

...That's all I got. Good night. Seriously. Go. I mean...You can stay if you want, but things might start getting uncomfortable here in a minute or two. Trust me, it'll only end with one of us weeping, and there's a solid chance it'll be me. That's not good for anyone.

Later,
Colin